My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
You Might Also Like
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet