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I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.