My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
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Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
I self medicate, therefore you live.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.