Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
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i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…