After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
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(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt