Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
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Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
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Just take a day off
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.