The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
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My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.