Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
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Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.