What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
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CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Me: the refrigerator wasn鈥檛 built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
My daughter鈥檚 Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she鈥檚 routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
ME: I鈥檓 sorry. I鈥檓 not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It鈥檚 pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It鈥檚 been one of the greatest trials of our family.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
Cool shirt 馃檪
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
I think I鈥檒l stand
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I鈥檓 not doing it, I鈥檓 busy.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.