Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
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Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
do horses think humans are hats
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.