According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
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[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”