Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
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Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application