you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
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*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.