me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
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I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
I’ve had relationships like this
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
The “baby” on the left….
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
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