Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
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Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.