On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
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I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
do horses think humans are hats
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard: