one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
You Might Also Like
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
Well, this explains it:
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
huge valentines day plans this year!!
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
*aggressively waits in line*