There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
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I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
water it, i dare you
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
No regrets in 2018
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.