Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
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When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.