I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
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At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
They’re not wrong
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.