Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
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[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
Nose
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.