i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
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11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
Butt weight. There’s more!
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
I thought this was funny lol
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
*Inspirational Tweets*
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.