Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
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WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.