Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
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“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
they really do be looking like this
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about