“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
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My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
Dear Lord..
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*