WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
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Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.