I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
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“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Blew out my flip flop…
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
I only treason on days ending in y
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
men are simple creatures
pictures of spider-man
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure