Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
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why does this building look like a guilty dog
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces