just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
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Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.