[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
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[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Oh we’ve met.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.