My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
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them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.