Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
You Might Also Like
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.