Customer is always right
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Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Something Saturday.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.