Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
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Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Weirdly Wednesday.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
Hot hot hot 🥵