Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
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ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.