[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
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Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
no such thing as a dumb question
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then