Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
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tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*