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wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck