My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
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Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
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Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?