There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
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If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
This could’ve been an email.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
“i am a sweet baby”
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
They say women only use 10% of their anger
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.