Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
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Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn鈥檛 that kind of tasting.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 馃檪
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
A man rejecting my advances can鈥檛 hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Remember they鈥檙e just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.