going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
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“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD