“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
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I wish I were this cool 😂
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*