I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
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Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
If snakes were wide
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”