A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
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[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
🤔😂😂
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
The prophecy is fulfilled
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN