Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
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Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week