Fixed this for Shakespeare
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Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
Not today. 😅
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
i hate you platonically
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Sharon, call the vet
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
haha same
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.