Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
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I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
The two types of wives
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
And then there were 4
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating