I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
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I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
fired
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone