If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
You Might Also Like
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
NSFW tweet
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Unionize your workplace
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.